


too young, too dumb

by foxaquatica



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:28:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22744036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxaquatica/pseuds/foxaquatica
Summary: A reality in which the team don't forgive Buck almost immediately as soon as he rejoins the 118, and he loses his life after a transfer.Warning: It's not a happy ending.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 23
Kudos: 406





	too young, too dumb

**Author's Note:**

> This is depressing. Like majorly so. I was going through something when I wrote this.

It was weeks of mistreatment by his team, the team he once called family, that caused him to ask for a transfer to the 128. 

Maybe if he tried harder he wouldn't be here today, reliving everything that happened. Maybe if he hadn't of sued them, he wouldn't be stuck right now. 

With twisted steel through his abdomen, fractured concrete crushing his legs, and a steel beam pinning him in place as fire licks its way closer to him.

He wasn't going to make it out of this, that much he knew. He could feel the heat of the fire against his hair, it's was coming up behind him too, and it was much closer than the wall making its way to him from the front, it was only moments before he felt the searing pain of the fire touching his scalp, the fire in front of him glistened in the reflection of his tear soaked eyes, his alarm was blaring in his ears, but he only had one last thought.

None of this would be happening if he was still with the 118, this wasn't their call.

And in his last moments, he became thankful that it was him, and not anyone else he loved.

... 

**_Two months earlier._ **

"You can't expect me to just forgive you!" Eddie shouted at him "That's not how this works, Buck! It's not how any of this works! Did you expect to come back in after dragging everyone in this house through the mud and have things go back to the way they were? It's not happening. Not that fast."

"But what about Christopher? Can I at least see him and explain that I'm not ignoring him--that none of this is his fault? You said yourself he missed me-"

Eddie scoffed "And he does miss you, but I'm not ready to forgive you yet. Do you know how freaking heartbreaking it is to tell your 8 year old that he can't see one of his favorite people in the world because he's not allowed to speak to his dad? and then trying to explain why? He knows it's not his fault."

" I didn't-" Buck stuttered "This was never about our friendship-"

"You should have thought about that before you bought Shannon's death into it. She was my wife, Buck. Even if she was leaving me and I hated her for so long because of it, she was my wife. Christopher's mother. And you broke that down to facts on a spreadsheet."

" I didn't know he was going to do th-"

"Save it" Eddie waved his arms "I've got plans."

With that, Eddie turned on his heel and left the fire house, Buck didn't know at the time that Eddie had been written up, metaphorically, for illegal fighting, and even more he didn't know that that argument would take him right back to junkyard fights.

Hen and Chimney were the only two that spoke to him in a casual way for the month it took him to ask for a transfer, he couldn't handle the way Bobby was cold to him, or the way Eddie refused to meet his eyes, plus he had a suspicion that Chim was only being nice for Maddies sake.

He told Hen first about his transfer plans

"It's happening in 2 days, you guys are getting Roland from the 128 and I'm taking his spot in their rig. They cover the upper east of LA so I'm going to be relocating across the city for commute, me and Roland are swapping leases. I doubt we'll bump into each other when I'm on that route, they service a different hospital too"

Hen absorbed all he was saying in complete silence, her hands curled in her lap.

"I can't handle it here anymore Hen, I feel like a burden."

Hen looked up at him "Does Bobby know? Eddie?"

Buck shrugged "Just you. Figure Eddie might notice I'm gone when Roland shows up for his first shift, I don't see the point in telling someone who can't even look at me."

Hen laughed "Just because he looks away when you look at him, doesn't mean he doesn't look at you"

"Whatever" Buck shook his head "I don't care. There's nothing left for me here apart from you, my whole family, or the people I used to call my family... they can barely stand to be around me."

Buck pulled his gym bag from his locker and started to fill it with all of his belongings. "I'm telling Bobby before I travel up on Wednesday, he can call the chief and confirm it all with him once I'm gone. It's my day off tomorrow so nobody will be any the wiser until Roland shows up."

Hen rubbed her hand over her head "And if they ask if I knew?"

Buck shrugged "I don't mind what you say, but you might want to play dumb for your own benefit. Though the general feeling will probably be of relief." He zipped up his bag and Hen stood, she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tight

"Promise me you'll text, to let us know you're alive."

"I'm just going across town, Hen, I'm not going to the morgue."

...

Bucks presence, or lack or lack of presence, was felt immediately when Eddie walked into the locker room and saw Roland standing at the locker belonging to Buck.

"Can I help you?" Eddie's brows furrowed "Something you need in Bucks locker?"

Aaron Roland closed the locker and looked at Eddie in confusion "It's mine now, Buck said this was his old one and gave me the key,"

Eddie put his bag down on the bench "Where's Buck moved his locker to?"

"If I had to guess, he's in my old one at the 128"

"The 128? what is he--" Realization hit Eddie like a ton of bricks on his chest "Will you excuse me?"

Roland waved him off as Eddie ran out of the locker room and up the stairs to Bobby's office, who was sat, leaning his head on one of his palms, staring at a photograph in his wall of the team from Eddie's signing in last year.

"He's transferred" Bobby said without even looking up to see who had entered his office

"Why?" Eddie asked, quite idiotically when he looked back. He knew why.

Bobby looked at him and sat up straight "I think we both know why."

Eddie took out his phone and dialed number 2 on his speed dial for the first time in 2 months.

"This phone number is no longer in service"

"Fuck" Eddie felt like throwing his phone at the ground "When did you find out?"

"This morning. Buck asked to meet me here at 6am, I didn't know what it was about but he insisted it couldn't wait. He met me by the doors of the station and explained that he'd been liaising with the chief and the captain on the 128 to arrange a transfer-swap with Aaron Roland. They kept me out of the loop incase I tried to stonewall it," Bobby scratched his 5 o'clock shadow, he clearly hadn't shaved this morning.

"How could they even do it without you knowing? Without letting us fight to keep him?"

"Eddie, " Bobby breathed "He claimed discriminatory behavior since the lawsuit, and that he just wanted a quick transfer with no mess. He apparently was under the impression I'd try to keep him around to teach him a lesson... I'd never force him into being unhappy like that."

Eddie dropped down onto the chair opposite Bobby's desk "Unhappy" he said "He was unhappy. This is all my fault."

"You can't blame yourself, Eddie. Theres more than just you to blame."

"You don't understand" Eddie stood up "I didn't speak to him at all, I didn't even look at him. He practically begged to see Chris and I didn't let him. I completely cut him off."

"So did I" Bobby admitted "Buck used to come over every week for dinner after the lawsuit he came over that next Friday night, andI sent him away."

Eddie ran his hands over his face "I fucked up, Bobby."

"We both did."

"Can we go to the 128? Apologize?"

Bobby shook his head "The chief suggested we have no contact with Buck if we want to keep our jobs, the paperwork he signed apparently didn't say he couldn't sue for discrimination, it was just injury based"

Eddie felt like his heart had been broken, which made no sense. This felt to him like how it felt when Sharon left him and Christopher, losing a friend he could barely bring himself to look at this past month shouldn't hurt like this.

"If you need to take the da-"

"No" Eddie pushed himself out of the chair "I'm fine."

"Eddie-"

"I'm fine, Bobby." He snapped as he turned to leave the room.

...

_**Present day** _

It was a Saturday when fire chief Rubenstein walked through the door of the 118, holding his hat in his left hand, his uniform pristine.

"Chief Rubenstein?" Chim furrowed his brow as he climbed down form the aid car "Have we forgotten a meeting?"

Rubenstein shook his head "Is Captain Nash in his office?"

This was official, Chim thought. Rubenstein looked stoic, almost sad. Something has happened, or was about to happen.

"Yeah.. Upstairs"

Rubenstein nodded and ascended the stairs, Eddie passed him on the way down and did a double take "Was that the chief?" he asked Chim

"Yeah"

Eddie picked up a cloth from the side of the rig and a bottle of cleaning solution "Did he say why he was here?"

Chim shook his head "I think somethings happened, or happening"

Eddie sprayed some cleaning solution into the emblem of the aid car and began to polish the area "Did anything happen with Bobby lately?" 

"I don't think so, everything's been smooth as far as I'm aware-" 

Eddie and Chim looked up to Bobby's office, just in time to see their captain collapse into his chair through the window.

This was bad.

Eddie threw down what we was holding and almost sprinted up the stairs, Chim following close behind. Hen was already at the top of them, staring at the office door with her phone in her hand.

"I can't reach Buck, " was all she said slowly "he won't pick up his phone"

Eddie turned to her slowly "You've had his number this whole time?"

He barely had time to process it when Chimneys phone started ringing.

"It's Maddie" he said, his face expressionless. Chim started to descend the stairs, pulling the phone to his ear. and suddenly it clicked what Hen had said. The whole meaning behind what Hen said.

"You... Call him again"

"I called him seven times"

"Well, call him eight times! Call him as many times as you have to until he picks up! "

Hen looked over Eddie's shoulder to see Chim buckle against the side of the aid car.

"I don't think he's going to pick up, Eddie"

Eddie refused to listen to her, he marched towards Bobby's office and threw the door open.

"Mr Diaz now is not the best time-"

Bobby looked destroyed, tears were running down his cheeks.

"Just tell me"

"It's not my pla-"

"TELL ME" Eddie's shout echoed the fire house, the pain could be felt in his words by everyone around "please tell me" this time to came out a whisper. A beg. 

His hand was still holding onto the door handle, his knuckles were long gone white from the strength of his squeeze.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Firefighter Evan Buckley of the 128 lost his life in the early hours of this morning in an industrial fire."

The world felt muffled, Eddie didn't know how to process what was happening.

"No..." He sank to his knees, the door handle cutting into his palm "You've got it wrong--no"

"I wish we had it wrong."

Eddie didn't even notice the hot tears running down his face until a sob wracked through his body, he let go of the door handle and braced his hands against the floor, he felt someone behind him wrap their arms around him, but you couldn't offer him a million dollars to tell you who it was.

"His family were informed by the police chief before I arrived, I'm so sorry for your loss"

Bobby looked at Eddie, who was sobbing in his doorway with Hen wrapped around him.

He didn't know how much it would hurt to lose Buck, he never expected it to be in line with the loss of his wife and kids.

Again, he felt responsible.

 _He was responsible_.

It was almost an hour before Eddie moved, he felt like a hollow shell of who he was an hour before. The relief team had been called in by the chief before he even arrived, and they all pulled up minutes after the team found out the news.

At some point, Rubenstein had left the office, but neither Bobby nor Eddie could tell you when. Two of the relief team had to help move Chimney, who was numb, into the locker room in case they needed the aid car.

Bobby and Hen had maneuvered Eddie onto Bobby's couch, Hen sat with him for forty minutes before she cracked and began to wail, she left the room not long after that to find her own spot to grieve.

Bobby sat at his desk the entire time, not saying anything, barely breathing.

"I never let him say goodbye to Christopher... " Eddie whispered. "He left a voicemail before he changed his number the morning he left saying goodbye to him, but I was so furious I deleted it... if I'd only listened to it right away, or picked up the phone-"

Another sob shook through Eddie's body "How am I going to tell him? He still asks about Buck every week, he's waiting for him to come home"

Bobby had nothing to say, but he had a feeling Eddie wasn't even looking for a conversation, so he just listened.

"Shannon's death was hard, why is this harder..."

Eddie flopped to the side until he was laying on the sofa, he shakily pulled out his phone and opened the gallery. An album called "Buck" which he toyed with deleting so many times over the past month stared back at him.

He locked his phone.

"We did this" he whispered into the room "He'd be here if we'd just forgiven him"

Bobby choked a sob at Eddie's words. Eddie glanced over to him as if he'd forgotten he was there.

...

Two weeks later, an inquest into Bucks death was finally completed, and the funeral was held in LA. His mom fought to take him back to Pennsylvania but Maddie fought harder to keep him in the place full of people he loved, and people he saved.

Eddie felt like an unwelcome guest at the funeral, he hung at the back whilst Chris stood with Maddie at the front, his head was leaning on her waist as he tried to stop crying.

Telling Chris was the hardest thing he ever did. It was harder than telling him about Shannon. He tried to rationalize that Shannon was easier to let go of because she was leaving anyway, her death only made it more permanent.

Eddie always told Chris that Buck would be back, that he was just working away for now because he needed to be trained and they didn't let him talk to other people while he did.

He'll never forget the smile on Chris' face when he said the words _"We need to talk, buddy. It's about Buck."_

The sounds of grief coming from his son after he realized what was happening what had happened to his Buck, was a sound that would never get out fo his head.

" _You promised he was going to come back, you said this wasn't like mommy"_

_"I know buddy, but I didn't know this was going to happen, I never could have known this was going to happen"_

_"You're a liar"_

Chris cried for what seemed like days, Eddie didn't want to bring him to the funeral, but Chris wanted to come.

"Evan Buckley was a decorated-" 

The priest began the service, Eddie couldn't tell you a single bit about what we was saying past those first words, his eyes were glued to the wooden casket in the center of the semi-circle of people. 

It was a closed casket.

When the crowd started dissipating, Eddie realized it was over. He'd already arranged for Maddie to take Chris to the wake, and for Hen to drop him home afterwards. 

He was almost out of the cemetery when someone approached him, a woman with dark brown hair, slicked back. 

"Excuse me... are you Eddie Diaz?" 

Eddie didn't want to stop and talk to her, he wanted to leave and drink this day out of his memory. He nodded in response to her question. 

She pulled out a flash drive from her pocket. "I worked with Buck at the 128... I was the one who-" She tried and failed to hold back tears "I found him when the flames were out." 

She pushed her hand out towards Eddie, offering him the flash drive. 

"He filmed something... before he... his phone was found in his jacket underneath him, we managed to get a video from it. It's addressed to you, and your team. It's private near the end, I didn't watch it all but I thought you should get it before your boss does, to decide who sees the last bit."

Eddie looked at the flash drive like it was on fire. He didn't want to touch it. 

The woman from the 128 huffed. Not in annoyance, but in pity." You're going to want to take this... I wish I was given one when my partner died 4 years ago. I only knew Evan two months, and in those two months he talked about your little boy- and by extension, you, more than anything else. I'm not saying you have to watch it right away, or ever if that suits you. But you'll be kicking yourself if you don't take this flash drive.

Eddie hesitated before reaching out and taking the flash drive from her and shoving it straight into his pocket. "Thank you" 

The woman nodded and stepped away, joining the other members of the 128 at their rig. As people left the rig played its sirens in tribute to Buck, Eddie has to wipe his own tears as he raced off to his own car. 

... 

It was another two weeks before Eddie could bring himself to look at the contents of the flash drive, a whole month after Bucks death. 

Christopher was with his Abuela, and Eddie was staring at a bottle of rum. He grabbed the neck of the bottle and unscrewed the lid before pouring the entire bottle down the sink and slinging the bottle into the trash where it shattered. 

He matched to his room and threw his closet door open, his hands were shaking as he hunted through the pockets of the suit he'd worn the the funeral. His frantic searching took longer than it should of, but he finally felt the cold metal of the flash drive on his fingers and he froze, closing his hand around it and pulling it out slowly. 

"Alright Buck, let's see what you have to say" A tear rolled down his cheek. He walked over to his bed and pulled his laptop towards him, plugging the drive into it.

With a small " _Ding_ " a folder appeared on his desktop. He inhaled hard before moving the cursor and clicking the single video file. 

the video started with a lot of noise and a blurred image, he heard a cough and his heart siezed up. Buck. The camera panned to him and finally focused on his face. 

His soot covered face. Eddie could see the pain in his eyes. 

_"Hi, guys, Bobby... everyone"_

He coughed again

_"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I left and cut contact, I'm sorry that I'm never going to see you guys again_ " 

The video went on for a few minutes, Buck was saying his goodbyes to everyone, including Maddie. Eddie knew who he'd be passing this video onto next. Eddie felt numb, Buck had addressed everyone except him.

Eddie focused back on the video, he started looking and buck more than listening to what he was saying. Tears were welling in Bucks eyes, the heat drying them out before they had much chance to fall. 

_"Eddie.."_ Buck had a small coughing fit, and Eddie's ears suddenly perked up _"Fuck... Eddie... I'm so sorry. Please tell Christopher I'm so sorry. I know you didn't want me to see him but I never stopped thinking about you guys. I-"_

Buck hesitated before he shook his head and winced in pain _"Fuck it, I'm dying anyway... Eddie I loved you. I do love you... Like head over heels romantic love for you, man. I never really realized that was what it was until after the Tsunami... and Christopher... and I'm so sorry. I love him so much, I wish I could have been in his life longer. I'm also sorry I'm laying this all on you after I'm... I'm gone"_

He could see that Buck was in pain, his eyes were starting to glass over. 

_"Please don't show Christopher this video if I look bad, I mean if course I look bad, but I don't want this to be his last memory of m-"_

Buck had another coughing fit, he looked like he was about to speak again when suddenly his eyes widened to something off camera. Eddie could see the orange flicker in the reflection of his eyes. 

_"God. I'm really not making it out of this_ " He sobbed.

The video shut off after that 

Eddie stared at his blank screen, and wished he hadn't poured his rum down the kitchen sink. 

"I loved you too" 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any typos, I did proof this but I didn't want to subject any of my friends with depressing stuff to beta so if you see anything, let me know and I'll fix it asap 🖤


End file.
